What they say and what they mean.....

There is something called falsification and there is something called factually correct but totally misleading statements...and corporate life is full of the second one. Though my experience with this species has been short, there are some statements which really amuse me...and the sad part is that they get repeated with alarming frequency...Statements which prima-facie say something but in essence mean something very different...Here, I attempt to pen few such statements that I can think of..(the left hand side is the statement and the right hand side is the actual meaning of the same)

• We are in the process of building up>>> We have been faced with an exodus and we are trying to get people to join us. As of now, we are very thinly staffed.
• Comfort with ambiguity>>> I dont know a shit about the problem you are grappling with. Please do on ur own..with help from...Google (obviously)
• You are at the point of influxion in the learning curve>>> I know you havent learnt anything from me till now...hope in future u can....
• We do not hire people for salary>>> We pay peanuts
• We are a dynamic organization>>> Our attrition rate is over 100%
• We do not believe in fleecing the client and that approach shows in our attitude towards the employees as well>>> Dont expect anything on the employee welfare front from us
• We did not select the guy cause he didnt show a willingess to learn>>> I have no rational reason for not selecting the guy...The cause is in my will
• We will try to bring about change management>> There is no benchmark for my performance appraisal...worst there is no deliverable
• Tell me...where does the organization need to improve..Cumon be frank>> Give me ammunition so that i can fuck ur happiness when i need to do so...
• The organization will get fresh blood with these guys joining>> These guys have nothing tangible to show...
• Our gentleman brings in an amazing breadth of experience across various industries>> Bloody rolling stone

Teaching 29 to a derivatives guy

Now, this was going to be fun....Firday nite..and me unusually late in office....nevertheless determination knows no bound and i knew that i wouldnt screw up my weekend welcome by sitting at my apartment and watching Altaf Raja in his new avtaar crooning alongwith a bunch of semi-nude females imitating a-la Demi Moore gyrating infront of a salivating Burt Reynolds in Striptease.... So, moi sent a couple of sms'es..the typical....kya scene and as luck would have it, found some folks ready to come down for a round (and some more) of beer and a game of cards.... KG and his juny (and our new found friend from F-17, Viay Gupta) confimed their presence...Atul and Rajesh were alredy there..KG would be coming late..which meant that till midnite we had to play 29...but one guy had to be taught...and it had to be Vinay...Atul took the onerous task of doing that...one Private Equity guy teaching a Derivatives guy,,,,how to play 29....check it out..snippets of the conversation... Atul: Party, u start bidding from 16 and go upto 29...or 32.. Vinay: U mean 16 is the floor and 29/32 is the cap.. Atul:..aree mast.....dekh, u bid based on your 4 cards and the remaining 4 will come later Vinay: Mane ki...call option Atul:...mache diye ho....agar kismat achi chal rahi hai to colour banate rahna chahiye.... Vinay: haan haan, duniya bull run main paise banati hai... Atul: acha sun....u should also see samne wala kaise colour banata hai..etc etc Vinay: aree wahi na..refer to technical analysis for past behaviour Atul: ekdamn sahi...dekh, agar samne wala ka risk appetite jyada hoga to woh gande cards main bhi colour banayega.... Vinay: aree haan re, hedge fund aur private equity investment main difference to hota hi hai Atul: 7th card ka bhi funda hota hai....but its very risky.. Vinay: bola to, selling a call option in a bull market.... Atul: but agar woh single card nikla to u can change the card Vinay: matlab hedging available hai.... And so the discussion went on...Vinay learnt a great deal and we were swamped with words like market skimming, call/put, hedging etc etc and for us it was ...as they said in Indore..machau

It's enuf....

Unfortunately, for the last year and half or so, I have been seeing tragedies... to me and to people close enough to affect me...infact there have been more...with people acquianted to me ...but for them I havent really bothered beyond that required by basic humanitarian or social grounds...but even after trying my level best to keep myself cheerful, every now and then something or the other has happened which has made me real upset and sorry. There have been deaths, there have been diseases, worse there has been heartbreaks, there has been shocks, there has been a change in the course of life for worse and there has been waiting for the tragedy to happen...and there has been the facade of cheer and normalcy beneath all the pain and sorrow, which u know that someone is putting but then u dont know what to do and let it continue as it is. Infact some of the instances that I have come to know about a few people close to me are such that in our normal lives, we would otherwise associate such things to only some melodramatic piece of fiction. But one striking thing is that all events in life thankfully come with a "the end". Every night has a following sunrise and the worst part in life is when you sleep knowing that today wasnt the worst and tomorrow could be just that bad day you had been waiting for, something you pray and wish didnt happen but know it has to...if not tomorrow, a day later..a few days later but will happen soon. I personally think thats the worst part in life, waiting for some imminent tragedy to strike, some death, some bereavment. One of my friends went through just that and having seen so much myself, I only pray for him that things turn for better soon. Afterall, somewhere there has to be an end.....it cant go on like this for ever..... Being on my own for a decade or so and being associated with some of the nastiest people anyone could come across have made me kind of a stoic and have a typical," I care a fuck"....but of late, there has been such a series of bad news for close people that I get real upset and sorry and even more worrying is the awareness of the fact that what i know is only a part of the problem...no rational person would go on with a crying face, knowing fully well how people shun them.....Hope i get to hear some good news from my folks soon...and god willing it should be comming from people who deserve a smile...really deserve one... Amen

Segmentation Analysis- The fairer sex in Toto's

I love Toto's in Bandra..The music, the ambiance, the food, the price-value equation...everything there is so amazing...One of these nites when we were sitting over there ( as usual Lukhi junta)..and eyeing various females across the lenght and breadth of that place..we noticed that we were assigning different adjectives for different females present over there...babe/ non-male/ bitch/Ladies/ bachi/aunty/yuck/Technology/LT-ST/hot/piping hot...etc etc...so me thought that as it is I am not doing any work out here...why not try to create a reference document for all these words...no sexist stuff here...just what these mean...:) Babe: U dont know where the female will fit in but she does look pretty attractive...they are a segment whose boundaries are very flexible..i mean if there are more beautiful females around, she will become a female and if there are none..she will be labelled.hot..u know very circumstantial... Non-Male: No descriptions requried...All of us know what it means. Bitch: U look at her.she turns around and either holds the hands of her accompanying male friend/cuddles up with him/kisses him.and then looks at u through the corners of her eyes..with one wicked smile..what a BITCH Ladies: They constitute that rare set of females who accompany males of our category to Toto's and hence are referred to with respect Bachi:Totos is full of females of this category, all looking young, faking maturity, ciggi in one hand, bacardi breezer in another...yelling and jumping the moment they see their friends....amazing enthu group..and ya at times they make u be aware of how old we have become...muah...:( Aunty: Most of them dressed in a manner showing that they r straight coming from office...mid-aged...psued...lot of charm and grace.generally with men significantly younger..A sure shot way of identying Aunties: A female talking on the cell-phone..Dear, I will be late...am out on a office party with some collegues & wink...Mast wala lie!!! Yuck: This segment is very person to person dependent...but everyone finds a set of females there..u see them and say..Yuck... Technology: You look at them, find them attractive....so far so good. But as it always happens u give a second look...and what do u find...had it not been for the advancements in science/technology (cosmetics, surgery, etc etc) she wouldnt have deserved even a glance..forget a look.Lolz... LT-ST: The set of females u want to take home to when your Mom is there....thats LT...(long term).....ST (short term) is simple: desire to take her to the house when your Mom is not there... Hot: Thats the reason why u find Tots filled with lukha people like me... Piping Hot: They are what is called."visual viagra"...now cumon guys...this is a public blog.cant get more explicit... Cheers!!!

Good Strategy...Bad execution

A consultant, lets call him Mr. X was the perfect poster boy of consulting...he ate, drank, breathed and did everything like a consultant...so here was Mr. X, dressing up every day in a black suit (bought from the wardrobe allowance he received), a nice shirt with pearl cuffling, and needless to say accompained by his Mont Blanc pen, Omega watch and obviously his blackberry and cellphone, carrying ET (which he never read, except the headlines to present his view infront of teh client), and going to office in a Orix cab (whose bill, obv was foot by the client) and then helping (or whatever) clients in solving their CEO's "top of the mind concerns". So far so good.....but then Mr. X spotted a girl...a babe so to say....and he couldnt stop uttering,,"God! i must congratulate her parents for such wonderful value creation!". The girl heard that and came to ask him if he said something. Cornered, he could utter only one thing..."Lady, can we take this offline please" and the lady impressed by his manners, handed over her cell phone number to him..X opened his mouth to say ."Great....Thanks...mark my word...we'll keep this channel of communication open with no elements of intermediation" So started the love story of Mr. X...he courted his babe, lets call her Ms X...and ultimately her parents called him home to discuss marriage....he did his best to stretch the diagnostic period but in front of Ms X's concerns he had no option but to succumb and thus was borne his strategic alliance with Ms X. On marriage day, he promised his in-laws and everyone present there.."I swear, it will be a win-win situation for everyone involved" and with this promise Mr. and Ms (now Mrs) X moved up the value-chain!!! But then he faltered in his execution and soon his Monday morning to Friday evening outstation trips became too much of a bottleneck in the relationship for Mrs X and she started looking for external help to solve her top of the mind (and body) concerns...Mr. X started facing competition and silently some invisible hand (or d$%k) started gaining market (or bed) share....Mr X was usual busy in what he called...professional requirement and Mrs X was experiencing her moments of truth...slowly but steadily an unknown new face had become the market leader. Mrs X decided that handling two relationships was getting too much for her span of control and she seeked Divorce...when she decided this Mr. X as usual was away at a client's place giving a presentation on..."How to back up a good strategy with an equally great execution"...

Lemme go!!!!

I remember one of those HR classes, when I was awake and hence hearing the discussion. It was on the utility of Alumni Network, companies create and the prime reason that came forward for its existence was that it helped spread a good word about the organization by the ex-employee and keep ties with the firm; it’s a small world after all… However, when I see the situation around me, things seem to be quite different. I don’t know what bosses have in mind when they create pain for the leaving employee when they know that all they are doing is making him leave with a bad taste. Are they that naïve to think that the employee will good mouth the company even when they are treated so badly or have they not heard of recency effect, wherein when you move out, the thing that remains most with you are the last moments, the final days. Till date, I must say I have been very lucky on this count: be it the three farewell parties, the pen with my name embossed on it, assurance of discounted booze while in campus and the return flight with my choice of office car for Airport drop (they proposed an office car pick me up in Cal as well but I was like…oye bas bhi karo)…at Seagram (It’s a dream to expect all these nowadays) or the really smooth exit along with the monetary relief at TSMG (I had to pay the firm something around 65K which they worked around to ensure that I don’t have to), I have had good exists. Talking of recency effect, I think for me it manifested extremely well at one of these companies of whom I never thought too highly of, courtesy some issues and more than that the stories crated out of those issues but my view of that place did quite a vaulte face by the way the HR and Admin treated me at the time of leaving. One year of image formation changed quite a lot in one day…Amazing na!!!! But then when I look around at a lot of places, bosses including line bosses and HR, give such pain to the leaving employees that they just want to walk out of this shit. Ties are cut-off, people are bad mouthed, clients are lied to, settlement is unjustifiably held up, employees are made to run for Form 16, and all efforts are made to ensure that the employee is as pissed off as can be. And then comes one of the biggest facades of Corporate India: The Exit Interview. The boss/HR will tell you things about how big plans the company had for you, how well you were placed to cash in on the growth the company was about the witness blah blah and then comes the most amazing of all lines, “So, where do you think we can improve?.” And then you know that one honest negative feedback and your settlement etc will be hung up for god knows how long..So what do you do? Simple: say lines like, “Well, I don’t think I am in a position to comment on something as serious as areas of organizational improvements but I think you could do some things to boost employee morale, maybe u know increase communication levels..blah blah….” (though that’s not the case everywhere) And what when he leaves..the HR/Boss will come and gladly spread the word around…U know such and such person really wasn’t fitting with our organizational culture or a thing or two about the competence (or the lack of it) the employee had…knowing fully aware that he is speaking utter crap and that even the audience knows abt it!!!!

Friday Syndrome....

I can work on any day any time; morning, evening, day, night, Sunday, Monday…but Fridays. I don’t know what’s the reason but I just cannot work on Fridays, especially post lunch. Lunch karke lauto and immediately somehow I start visualizing the lanes of Bandra infront of me, or if not Bandra, the scene in my apartment or Khemkas as it is called, with me and a group of my lukha friends. There is something associated with Friday afternoons and evenings. Somehow I just cannot keep my mind from meandering here and there; I just cannot sit in a discussion; I cannot keep my tie intact; I simply cannot help myself from sending those numerous sms’s, “raat ka kya scene”. For quite some time now, courtesy the absence of lack of like minded people in office, be it Abhinav, Suri, Vimal etc in Seagram or Patki, Punda, Aditya in TSMG I have always had a ball on Friday evenings. I mean its so natural and automatic to keep staring at your watch, do nothing, make plans and head to a pub on a Friday night…its so ingrained and become a part of us now. So attuned had I become of this that I can’t think of any other activity. However, of late when I have made a sincere attempt to sanitize my life, I still find myself having this “Friday no work syndrome” and my legs automatically dragging me to some pub. I don’t drink there but I just cant deny myself a good time on such an auspicious occasion. Plus, if I don’t do that, what else do I do??? I have tried a lot of alternatives but most of them require me to don the adventurous hat or move in groups of not like minded people which I am just not capable of. What does it mean?? Very simple…do what u do best…walk into a nearby pub even if your accompanying drink there is a glass of fresh lime or a mug of beer at max. Neverthless, kaam to Friday afternoons ko nahin hota…..no way…I still remember, how earlier i used to hate it when inadvertently it happened that me and Aditya are sitting in a discussion with Pankaj on friday nights and as usual and to our pain it got late....and both of us looking at each other with shinnign eyes.... Friday afternoons are not for working...they are for planning for the night...they are for anticipation...they are for co-ordinating with ur friends outside the city about the flight they will take to bby and which place is suitable for them....its for all these....or if not these, for doing tp like yahoo messenger, orkut, or blogging...(see the time and day!!!!) P.S:

The power of Danda

Earlier, I always believed in the power of Danda..Those were the good old days of auditing when the client would give some information only after we escalated things to his boss..and we were convinced that danda works....But somewhere down the line with so much of talk about customer service and all these books of Kotler etc reading stuff like customer service>delight> orgasm (we loved this term!!!!), my belief in the power of danda was somehow lost...However, my recent experience with Citibank made me belief yet again that when everything fails Danda is the thing that works best.... I got my account with them somewhere around May end and mind you it was a salary account, so things are supposed to be pretty fast...Nevertheless I got my account opened but the pin numbers never came...I called up the help-line and they asked me to complete some formalities which I did but even then there was no pin...So there i was having money in my bank but still indulging in the age-old practice of borrowing money for my daily expenses. Frustrated I got hold of the RM and called her up, and boy! the way she comes across...U cldnt have a more I care a damn attitude.. Then something in me reminded me of the old days when swinging the danda worked when everything failed and I did exactly that...sent a mail to the head of the division with a cc to her...and my God!!! the way she changed...right from calling up to replying promptly to ensuring that everything gets done ....she was picture perfect..... She even went to extent of getting his office peon to deliver it to me in just a couple of days time....something which wasnt getting done for three months..Long live Danda!!!!

What if...

What a weird movie...yeah..I am talking of the movie, "Yun hota to kya hota", whose english translation is the name of this piece. True, Ayesha Takia was there (to whom since God has endowed with more than enough and hence we guys just cant have enough of her :), Konkana Sharma, Dina Pathak, Paresh Rawal, Subhashini Mulay, Irfan Khan....such great actors were there but still the movie was just weird...But one thing which I really liked is the title of the movie...which asks the basic question...What if?? What if this had happened ..that happened..or even more pertinent..what if this had not happened...or that had not happened...What if I had scored two marks more there...what if I had answered that qeustion in the interview like that...what if i had not sneaked out of the hostel to have the first puff....what if i had not acted like I at times did ....what if i was more sensible and prudent....what if life would have been different...in a different context with a different set of players in it... Every now and then we make choices.. we choose between alternatives...and take one road instead of other and they lead us somewhere....at times we r better off and at times we r worse...and when the outcome is the later we just stand there and inadvertently think...What if???...Ofcourse thats a different story that thinking doesn't help:)

The blasts and after that....

Bombs rocked Mumbai on tuesday..as per the reports 200 people are dead and close to 700 are injured. Applying simple mathematics, it boils down to 112 people, either dead or injured per blast or per train compartment. Now, knowing bby trains that does seem to be understatement, but thats besides the point. Fact remains that the blasts were a very unfortunate incident. However what interests me are the couple of incidents associated with it:

• We the people: For all the people in Bby, lemme ask u a qst: How was wednesday morning for u? I mean the day after the blasts. Everything was normal...so damn normal..barring more police on the roads. We went to office and after the initial 30 mins of discussions on the previous day's discussion, it was business as usual for us. We went for dinner n even there is was nothing abnormal. The city simply didnt curb its speed or stop. People say that's the spirit of the city, it doesnt stop. But aint that also an manifestation of our indifference...of our "i dont care what happens arnd me"...Its kind of disturbing but then thats fact. Deep within we simply dont bother whats happening. Life goes on....
• Wrong startegy: (sorry...but the consulting bug is getting the better of me) There is a lot of talk going arnd about which terrorist organization did it and all that stuff but one question (which stems from the earlier point) is that whats the point of targeting Bby. I think that the end objective of any such attack is not to kill people but bring about destability. Killing is only a means to the end and not the end itself and thats where any attack on Bby fails. It jsut doesnt trigger anything. The city returns to normalcy is just no time. I am sure that had such attacks happened in any other city, the situation would be much different. For eg: bandhs and protest rallies, if it were Cal???
• The Media: There's something terribly wrong with the media in India. Let me ask a basic qeustion, "why make it so gory?" I remember seeing the coverage of 9/11 and despite the scale of destruction, there wasnt one corpse shown and here are our couterparts, focusing and refocusing on corpses, blown away/destroyed body parts, faces dripping in blood and what not. I mean whats the point. Does it serve any purpose? It doesnt even increase the eyeballs hits.cummon we are normal people and the last thing we want to see is some gory pictures.
• The good samaritans: I came to know of the HSBC incident where a trader died in the blasts. But it was very heartening to find out the way HSBC came forward to help and Ms. Kidwai offering multifold superannuation and a job offer to the child of the employee. Great u say...not every place is bad...Its really heartening to find out that not all companies view their employees as a pair of hands and some grey matter who should take their pay slip and fuck off; some places are good....

Why have a kid...as per TV

This idiot box has turned all the more idiot of late...right from showing interviews of movie stars who describe their and their friends' character in a movie as.."Hum log 4 jaan hai...aur basically sab ekdam harami hai" to all those headlines in news channel about how Mika kissed Rakhi Sawant and why there wasnt any element of male chivalry and opinion polls on what could have been done better..u can expect the most bizzare of things to come on the TV...so far chalta hai but what do u do when u suddenly stop your surfing at a channel showing a panel discussion of doctors on the issue of marriage and children. Before I proceed further, let me get it very clear that I have immense regard for doctors. True, they mint money like crazy but then u cant escape the fact that nothing like a good doctor at the time of pain. Good from the professional as well as personal point of view. (Personal because u trust them and u wldnt want to be taken for a ride.) Now coming to my original point of the panel discussion. Imagine what as per the discussion was the biggest reason for having a kid. "Kids give couples a reason to talk for 25 years after the initial euphoria over marriage has subsided and hence save marriages" Now as a corrolary this means that: 1. "Couples without kids dont have anything to talk and since they dont have anything to talk about, the marriage collapses over time". 2. "Couples with kids talk about children all the time which saves the marriage from collapsing" Gentleman! what about childless couples. Do all of them break up. And also why do u need a child to create a topic to discuss? As it is, if a couple cant find any topic to talk, which in effect means that there aint any common topic or they are not comfy sharing it with the partner, it will as it is break up-child or no child. A child only furthers the intersection set between a couple's interests; it doesnt create it. Further, children are a natural milestone in the journey of life. U have children becuase thats the thing to do and not because their marriage is in jeopardy. Remember all those old Hindi movies in which the prospective grandpa said," Bete, wansh chalana hai, mujhe marne se pehle apne pote ka chehra dikha de" Ever found any married person saying "Hey, I am fearing that my marriage will collapse. Let me have a kid. He will come as a knight in shining armour to save my marriage". Common, give the kid a break. He is yet to be conceived and you are bringing him/her in conjugal issues.

Sensitivities....

Recently when i was struck in the oh-so-typical traffic, something caught my eye. It was the poster of a movie, called Mobile Phone or something like that, showing a female exhibiting her cleavage and a tagline which stated,"based on the true story of the delhi mms case" Nothing new in that...movies and posters hide just the bare minimum but what stayed with me was the fact that there are enough takers for viewing a masala movie which in real life was a tragedy for someone. The fault of the female involved was not that she did what she did but that she was caught doing what she was doing ( Lets accept it, promiscuity does exist in the society; no comments on the extent of it though...) and here we are, spending money to watch a spiced up version of what was a tragic moment for a female, a family... Coming back to my original point of being sensitive. I think this is a classic case of one man's pain being the cause of pleasure for another, even though he doesnt necessarily gain anything out of it. Life is full of tragedies...for some a delta less and for some a delta more and for some, who are outside the typical 99.67% of normal curve, a lot more...and there are enuf of people around...or lets say there are enuf of us arnd, who wouldnt think twice before having a laugh at someone's expense....the problem is that we do not do it deliberately but that we simply dont consider how some of our actions affect others...look around or even lets look at ourselves...how many times have we done just that...I have seen people or rather supposed best friends ignoring calls at the most dire of situations, people laughing silently at someone's funeral, people partying after ditching their luved ones...it all exists...and people do it...The examples above might be a bit of extremity but the people involved in these have been the most loved of people around...and if we love people who do such things...well, it speaks a lot about us as well...what say!!!!

In Fond Rememberance...

Born: 1994 Died: 2006 "Never wanted to separate, but it was destined otherwise....Goodbye, dear companion" If u r guessing, whats that...relax..thats nothing but the obituary of my association (of close to 12 years) with alcohol in my capacity as an avid admirer of the human made elixir... Now that I have actually ended my association and it rests in peace let me take a few moments out to list down some of my fav watering hole across cities.. Calcutta: 1. Someplace Else, Park Hotel..(after it stopped being a pure disc)...Good music, good food, good ambiance, great value for money..The only problem is if u wait at the hotel entrance for your friends to come...(for those who are aware of the place, will know what i am talking about) 2. Olypub, Park Street...I still remember, when in college and couldnt afford more than a visit a month to the above, the only place to head was Olypub. The scene was so bad that very often we used to go alone, rest assured that koi na koi to Xaviers ka mil hi jayega... Delhi/Gurgaon: 1. The Road-Side Thekas...Those who consider themselves too pseud to be drinking on the Road side thekas in Delhi/Gurgaon have no clue what they r missing in life....I mean its some experience...an alco shop...behind/infront/besides it a snacks shop and occassionally cops standing near by (..and drinking as well)...all this is just so unique to that place..And all these at a total damage to the pocket being not even in three digits... 2. DJinns...Somehow I have a liking for its ample space ...the live band...absence of the Yo-mama crowd (which is so typical of that side of the country)...and most importantly the fact that whenever I went there...somehow or the other I never had to pay... Bangalore... (never lived there as such but visited it for a month or so, quite a number of times...so..sorry upfront for my little knowledge)... 1. Pekos: By all standards, one great place to visit..Its so heartening to see a pub in its purist form, so to say....I would call it a "No Frills Pub"...go there...carry cash (till the last time i went there they didnt accept cards)....have a passion for good food and music...and u'l luv it...add to that the looks of a ghetto and u will realise why Floyd or Doors sounds even better there...and not to miss the beer...there is something about it there....u just dont wanna say no to another gulp.. 2. Purple Haze: Decent place...thats it.... Bombay... 1. Cafe Mondegar...A visit to that place and u know that life does exist in Bombay...What a lively place...Great ambience....good food....good music..good crowd...and smiling (generally) waiters...There is something about the place which has to be experienced....Another feeeling u get there is people dont come to guzzle there...they come to chill out and have fun...Maybe its got to do with the fact that they serve only beer and wine... 2. Totos..How i am glad that they have stopped the music there ...else this obituary wouldnt have ever been written. Probably the best place in Bby in terms of music and value for money...and plus their chicken cheese omlette and pork salad...yum...Havent seen any other place playing jsut the songs u wld have played had you being playing them urself...Awesome..The only flip side is that it closes earlier than the other Bandra pubs...

∆ Emotional Utility….

Date: 31st May, 2006 Time: 8:21 pm Location: My apartment, Santa Cruz, Bby State: Just dried myself after getting totally drenched in the rain Mood: Something between happy and thoughtful Music: Pink Floyd (who else??) So, that’s the scene. Here I am, sitting in the cozy surroundings of the hall in my apartment with dim lights and enjoying Pink Floyd playing Coming Back to Life, along with the sound of heavy rains pouring outside, n ya urs truly has just finished his cup of tea and some nicotine I am really enjoying the rain pouring outside; after all it eases the pangs of summer heat. I am enjoying this act of nature…but think of it, just an hour ago I was standing outside my office along with my colleague Devendra, both of us totally drenched and waiting for some cab/auto etc to take us to our apartments and at that very moment, rains were supposed to be the worst thing that could have happened…just an hour ago, this very rain was so disgusting and within an hour it has become a thing to be enjoyed and appreciated. This suddenly makes me ask myself, “Is Rain intrinsically bad or it depends on the circumstances” or taking this logic a bit further,” Does our liking or disliking or our experience of joy or pain stand alone or relative to the larger circumstances in which they occur?” (Which explains the element of thoughtfulness in my mood) Now that I am in a complete rewind mode, drawing from my life’s experiences (which I must say has been extremely eventful, filled with some smiles (most of them on account of academic/professional success, TOUCHWOOD) and more than enough sadness (most, rather all of them on account of my fucked up personal life)…), I think our experiences of joy or pain are by and large relative to our overall state of being. True their stand alone magnitude does matter but as happens in Portfolio Theory, it is relatively insignificant enough to be ignored. For nerds seeking scientific rationale in it, let’s seek inspiration from fundamental micro-economics principles. Happiness is in some sense akin to utility so let us term it emotional utility. With that logic, sadness becomes negative emotional utility. Our state of mind is nothing but a factor of the circumstances we are in. Hence when we are happy, our total emotional utility is very large. Further if this happiness has accrued over a short period of time, which is due to occurrences of many sexy events in quick succession, the time equivalent total emotional utility or the average emotional utility is very high. Thereafter a stage comes, when any additional sexy event doesn’t add too much to our happiness which is simply due to the fundamental principle of diminishing marginal utility, which applies here as well…diminishing marginal emotional utility until a stage where it doesn’t add any value at all…for example..(I am sorry but I am taking an example of diminishing negative emotional utility…which in simple terms is nothing but too much of getting screwed in life)…”Ever heard of a prostitute complaining of being fucked”. Why is this so?....Think of it…simply because her total negative emotional utility has reached a stage where a delta doesn’t make any difference... and compare it to getting fucked as a stand alone instance…a simple case of plateauing of the total negative emotional utility curve vis-à-vis a position across the steep gradient part. Now u agree why I place such importance to circumstances being a major driver of the effect any instance has on us….

The impact of product upgrade on replacement demand

Ever wondered why we want to change our mobile phones every now and then (okies...every 2 years or so..now and then is more for Yo Man kind of ppl)...but are content seeing the same damn fan rotating above over our sweating bodies year after year or rather decades after decades. If u think its more to do with a lifestyle product vs a utility product, lets take another example...why do most of us have changed our old A/C's with new upgraded/energy saving ones in the last year or so...where does the lifestyle thing come into play...or even better why have so many of ours mom insisted on changing our old refrigerators with newer ones in the last couple of years or so...but with the fans they dont do anything....akhir kyon...why this love with the hanging piece of machinery....after all all of them are high value (for a average Indian Middle Class family), high involvement household related consumer electronics items...?? This question struck me of late when I noticed that some items just dont have a replacement demand...and this thing gains all the more importance when we look at some of the penetration data in the Indian households and find more and more houses having access to many erstwhile so called luxury/comfort items....a high penetration simply means low potential for growing the market which in turn means that for growing the market what is needed is to create replacement market.... This observation made to sit back and realise why does Television market grow but radio doesnt, why does A/c market grow but Fans doesnt, why does ligting bulb market grow but tube light doesnt..the answer which I could think of (though as quite often, I might be totally wrong), is that some product categories have created higher versions or product upgrade making the consumers believe that while they might be having something, its a piece of shit compared to what is available now...they have created a replacement market and has made the consumer upgrade itself despite the fact that the consumer was till the realisation struck him, was pretty happy with this piece of gadget.... Lets take the example of a Television....a simple colour tv, then a 30-40 channel one, then a flat screen, then with better sound etc etc....after every couple of years u feel that u need a new one...not because the existing one is bad but that because the ones currently in the market are much better...On the other hand, lets look at fans, etc....a fan ages ago was the same fan available now...why should any consumer shift..whats the benefit... Skeptics can say that a fan suffices the need of cooling ur body but the same holds true for A/c's too...why does a replacement market exist there..simply cause the marketers of the latter have consisitently come out with better versions of the A/c tempting people to upgrade. Hence, while we might not have the data to prove, but examples do exist in real life to show that despite a product having a high technical life, product upgrade by the marketeers definitely helps in getting consumers to go for the better variants thus creating a replacement demand which in turn boosts sale....

Awesome females....

Shake ur Bon Bon- Shakira: The way she shakes it...God!!!...Does she at all have bones out there... on her butt n hips...Its awesome, the way she does it..I have seen so many dancers shake their hips but the way Shakira does it ...its simply out of the world....n the best part is its so sensual and sexy....not vulgar at all...Anyday, u wuld be more comfy watching her than watching one of the failed attempts at sensuality by an Indian remix..Shakira is just too much..... Those Lips and Pout- Angelina Jolie: Angelina Jolie...once one of my friends was watching her in one of the clips n remarked ..."God!!! She is visual viagra" n I think that was as close as u can get to a befitting descreption of the lady who has send millions of libidos soaring across the world (I dont believe in life beyong Planet Earth)..Her lips n those pout r like just beyond descrption n the attitude with which she carries them...Awesome...simply mind blowing..... Ms Perfect- PR: I wont go into the name of who the lady is... Its just that its been my great fortune to have known her, albiet unfortunately for a very short period of time and trust me she was as close to perfection as anyone can get...No flashy stuff .....nothing in particular but how often do u come across someone who seems equally at ease in a disc and at the same time equally comfortable putting her duppata over her head while meeting someone elder...I can go on n on but theres no need...This lady was just too good...just apt to be called Ms. Perfect... Actually there are lots more females about which i wanna write but then since i have named the piece Awesome females...dont wanna include aweful females in it...

The choices we get....

Good Vs Bad…if its like that, no issues but what do u do when u have to decide between Bad Vs Very Bad or Bad Vs Worse….either case will involve pain, either case will involve heart-ache, either case will cause tears but then a choice has to be made. U want to escape, u want to run away from reality but then it haunts u, escapism hurts, it makes u scared, it makes u feel guilty and then u stand up, muster enough courage and face it. U pray for strength, u pray for the power to carry it through but then u wanna melt, u melt when u see the repercussions. And the folly of life is that the repercussions are not restricted to you alone….the ripples are felt across people…n the worst part is that when u cant explain the other person why you are doing what you are doing..u just sit back with a deep sense of void and nothingness…Its that phase when u r too numb to feel any pain, any sorrow, any tears…anything….u are just too numb for anything… The worst part is that very often we reconcile with our own situations in life…how good or bad it be but there is nothing we can do to ameliorate the feelings others have for us. At times, we wish that there was no one who would be affected by us but at the end of the day the fact remains that its these very people: for whom we care and more importantly who care for us that make life worth living…Imagine what would it be, if life were a mere series of cold blooded contracts…contract no so n so governing your birth …blah blah….it would be worse than your worst nightmares….

Life or something like it....

Long back when in school, i had read these lines from some poem... "...A pint of joy to a peck of trouble... And never a joy but the pains come double... ...... And that is life" (aint sure if the lines are accurate) These are beutiful lines...might not be very encouraging but very true..Life doesnt remain calm for long...u think things are smooth but then some fuck-up happens...U think u got everything but suddenly something happens and you start asking for something more and then suddenly it gains importance over everything else and no sooner ur desire transforms into a craving, u see it gone...simply vanish...Period...U sit back and think, why did u want it in the first place...but then u just think...n thinking aint an exercise in pain amelioration.... The worst part in life is there is nothing like a Cntrl Z...Once u have done it...once u have lost it...u have lost it...u cant go back in time and undo/do some of the things u would have liked to..U really dont have the option of finding out what all things would matter to you and then start working towards it from right now...its so damn sporadic man...n then add to that the stupid things we do...n we know why there is so often the feeling of "damn...i am fucked"... If life wasnt a bitch enough, add to that things like facades, diplomacy..etc etc that screws up our life all the more. There are so many things we want to do...so many things we want to say but then we cant do it...cause its not correct....cause its not the right thing to do..cause its not done....God!!! Missing is a part of life...once in a typical consulting types discussion, I had generally remarked that happiness is nothing but a point of equilibrium between expectations and reality...Today, when i look back at it...i realise that despite the fact that I had said it very casually, it is so true...I mean how peaceful life would be, if we didnt want any thing...no love....no expectations....no hope nothing....I mean it would be so chillled...but then it aint so....U want some people...and then as always happens with life...these are not jsut any people...these are some specific people...some names...some special ones u want n they are jsut not replacable...they come...they touch us...n they go...n u sit there...gaze out towards nothingness and wish..how things would be different ... Hey....what all shit i have written on a saturday afternoon....Bizzare!!!!

Leaving the Desert Land..

13th April, 2005 8:00 PM (Saudi Time): Sitting in the Departure Lounge Right now I m sitting in the Jeddah Duty Free, waiting for the departure of the flight which will take me to India…and more than that, take me away from Saudi. Let me tell u, till the time the exit stamp was put on my passport, I was literally shitting in my pants…no particular reason but there is some unknown fear at the back of your mind which engulfs you while you are in this country. There is no one reason which can be called the determining factor, but there is something, which makes u very very scared and post my last incident here, trust me, standing in the queue for the immigration exit wasn’t the most comfortable of feelings. Just before seating myself in a corner seat, I was seating somewhere in the middle of the café in the departure lounge and what a sight it was…four hot females…(hot females…or even females…my eyes are starved!!.)….think Lebanese….tanned skin…and their looks …ah!!! As Bryan Adams would have put it …“ with those undress me eyes” in their body hugging tops and wraps, cigarettes on their lips. U smell nicotine but u also smell something else …maybe freedom…ah..not yet…still an hour to board the flight…maybe anticipation of freedom..maybe anticipation of seeing ur family soon…of meeting your friends.. of having beer going down your throat …the anticipation of that burb…there’s so much to anticipate… But that has to wait….wait for another hour or so…wait for the departure call…wait for me to get in the flight…wait for it to take off…wait to cross the Saudi airspace and finally wait for the flight to land at Delhi and me walk out of the airport, rove my eyes to see Jiju….wave at him and if sis aint there, light a cigarette… Just a night more dude….its coming …TOUCHWOOD…there is no goof up yet again…Till that time let me turn my eyes to see those babies again.. Damn!!! they are gone.. 14th April, 2005 02:05 AM (Indian Time): In the Flight So here I am on Flight No AI 890 to Delhi, still in saudi space but on my way home…on my way to India..on my way to my own country…on my way to friends…to family…to the joi-de-vivre and not just survival….BTW thanks to Air India for upgrading me to Business Class..making it comfortable enough for me to sit and write.. The steward just told me that it’s a cool 45 minutes before we cross the Saudi airspace..hence me thought, lets write something....The last two months that I have stayed in Jeddah have made me think on a lot of issues..Life here was tough…despite the material comforts being much better…True, cars touched 100 kmph regularly, true, the level of food hygiene was very high, true the law and order situation was much better than India, true the traffic jams were much fewer….everything true but even then the heart yearned to go back home…cause the biggest of them all FREEDOM wasn’t there…There was always this feeling at the back of your mind that you are an alien here, this is not your place, you do not belong here, anything might happen…if not anything else, the very fact that you needed to carry your passport every time indicated that you are just a number, you don’t have any identity without it…it all boils down to belonging and freedom and think about it, how casually we take freedom back home. Anyway, life in Saudi was more than just missing freedom; it was also missing the small things in life. To start off with, was the complete lack of friends and family. True, my colleagues were good (sorry Rajit, for fighting so much with you), but fact remains that I never had the luxury of calling anyone from my vast group of friends…Amit, Pattu, Saurabh, Kanods, Pasha, GJ, Jo, Punda, Pats, Aditya, etc etc and saying, “Oye kya kar raha hai…chal milte hain” I missed it like hell, more than missing going out, I bloody missed the option of going out…where do u go here..Malls, Malls n more Malls….n there also you keep your senses bloody awake, least u misbehave or do something which is not what is expected of u in this country… Then there were weekends…probably the most moron weekends I have had, have been in the last 2 months…Shit man…weekend doesn’t mean spending hours in front of the TV watching Mr. Himesh Reshamiya or some semi-nude female gyrating to some obscene remix… Another thing I really missed was obviously my weekend beer…As Nanga Baba told me in the car one day…Its not the drink, it not having the option of having a drink which hurts more…How true… I can go on and on…how things were…how we have just survived but then it’s all an experience…if not anything else, I can tell anyone… Look, I have spend two months in Saudi Arabia…. I can manage anywhere!!!! Hey, the steward is asking for drinks..and guess what I am having…Single Malt..just the perfect drink to raise a toast to Life..!!!!

Mere ghar ke neeche kuan kyon nahin hai???

I aint a car fanatic and if i pit myself against two of my collegues with me here in Jeddah, Pranav and Rajit, I am not even peanuts...but then around two months with them have made me knowledgeble enough to atleast not confuse between a sedan and a SUV and also know some names u shld salivate looking at. But what do u do when u see a dozen such sleek machines in a span of 15 minutes on the road at a time when u r discussing wether u shld buy an Alto or continue travelling in auto for some more time?? Last nite, we were sitting in Starbucks...so far so good...we get down the cabbie and guess whats the car standing next..A yellow Ford Mustang...thik hai dikh gaya..big deal...everyday u see some or the other swanky car here... The real drama started when we just entered the cafe...n look, which car is coming...Audi TT, followed by Porsche, then BMW 7 series, then a Lexus SUV (yeh to aise hi gajar muli jaise dikhti hai but still), Merc SL500, Merc CLK, Porsche again, Nissan convertible, BMW convertible, another Porsche, then Cadillac, Nissan Infinity and as a perfect climax, the last car in the virtual eye feast was a Hummer...there must have been around 12-13 of all these cars combined...bloody dont even remember the names now...and all this in a span of 15 mins...on the road...God!!!! And imagine our situation...4 guys..all IIM grads... sitting in a cafe and salivating...too much..all thinking...(if i put it in blunt hindi)..."kya ukhar liya itna padh ke..itna fite mar ke"....On an optimist note, if the Indian Govt decides to literally zero the duties we just might afford one of the lower priced car among these maybe a Mustang in 15-20 years time but sadly enough on a more realistic note we now that this wont happen.... and then the realization struck us and made us look upward to God and ask... Humare ghar ke neeche (oil ka) kuan kyon nahin hai...?????