The duration of pain...

It’s been a really long time that I wrote something and tonight I just feel like taking my laptop and penning down some thoughts that have been for some reason or the other occurring to me since evening and since there is no reason the thoughts should come to me, I sit back and ask myself. “What is the duration of pain?” or “How long should pain last?” Pain happens and goes away but the scars are deep; they rise in some cauldron of our hearts and engulf us for a long long time to come, long after they have happened; long after you have sobbed your pillows to tears; long after you have stared blankly at that mirror showing the reflection of a person that appears like you, sans all the joi-de-vivre and apparently asking God, “Why me?? Why did it have to be me?”. Long after pain loosens its apparent grip over you, it revisits you time and again in the most unconnected of moments. You never know when the unwanted visitor comes knocking at the doorsteps of your mind and completely derails your present. Somehow the word transience doesn’t apply to pain. It never goes away, it keeps coming back. Hence there is nothing called the duration of pain. At max, it can be broadly categorized into two categories- one when it is all encompassing and the other, when it is episodic. Pain, after it is gone, is extremely episodic in nature. You have apparently moved on in life but then for some reason or the other, the shit thing comes up all over again; you don’t know what triggers that; maybe that gaze at the calm sea, maybe that calling of a particular name; maybe the mention of some topic; maybe the sight of a particular beverage; something or the other will happen and then you have had it. You are lost and deep down you really cry badly. Cry because you have lost something dear; cry because few things you cherished in life are no more with you; cry because you have come to kissing distance with grabbing your dreams and then had to let it just go. Yes, kissing distance; f#$#ing kissing distance. And that hurts. Why? Because having come so close was like a glimpse of what could have happened; and along that journey of getting the glimpse, you have created memories, the same memories, which albeit a source of happiness when there is nothing to look around, is also the reason of pain many a times. If pain is not preceded by immense pleasure, I believe the situation gets highly ameliorated but this inadvertent sequence whereby pain follows heights of pleasure magnifies the sadness and also creates enough memory, which you sigh at; because they have given you a picture of an otherwise sexed out life which in reality and at present is completely (at least on a relative scale) f#@$ed up. Long time back, I was generally talking to a physiatrist and he was telling me that the biggest reasons people decay is because they cannot move on. They just cannot let go of their pasts and look forward to what life has to offer and in this context he was saying that it’s very important for people to remain happy as that will take away their thoughts from the past to the present. To this I generally asked him, “and what if the past has been so damn good that the present can never ever match upto that?” He smiled…I got my answer….

Just like that....

One thing in which, of late, my luck has been good is my choice of books. Just finished reading this absolutely wonderful book, "Man's search for meaning". I must say, absolutely haunting and brilliant. I had read a book on the same subject, "Night" by Elie Weisel, but i must confess this one is far more gripping than the previous, the way it has intertwined physcology with a personal account of the author's own suffering, the book is absolutely amazing (of course if u can tolerate the extremely gory narrations of the pathos of the camp inmates). Among other things, two sections of the book that really made me think, think really hard are the sections regarding a person's ability to really enjoy happiness after a prolonged period of suffering and the outlook of a person when he is in a position of power after having suffered immensely. Let me put down my thoughts on the first one. Prolonged periods of pain makes a person belief that happiness is something that is restricted to the realms of fantasy and hallucination; its makes a man skeptic; u dont believe that life can actually be good; it all seems a dream and you start believing that like all dreams, this too isnt for real and extremely transcient in nature. And to some extent this is something akin to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Happiness in my opinion is a gradual increasing thing which requires effort to keep it ongoing. For eg: wealth requires management to keep it increasing; love requires attention to sustain; Everything has to be nurtured for it to grow and if we believe that it isnt for real, we wont nurture it and sooner or later it will go away. I am not saying that nurturing will ensure that it wont go away but negligence is just like converting a stroll to a run to the graveyard. This makes me think. What would life be for such people.What would life be when you can see happiness, when it's all around you but you are too skeptical to enjoy it. Think about it, I have seen the look on a diabetic person staring at a plate full of badam-kulfi. If just a plate of sweets can make a person so sad, what would something as grave as being devoid of happiness do to a person. I mean it would reduce a person to sheer biological existence. What is life without happiness? What would life be when there is nothing to look forward to, what would life be with noone to come back to, what would life be when you unlock the house after a hard day at work and are pretty content seeing empty walls. The problem in these situations is not that the current situation is so bad, its a man's surrender to fate and his belief that the situation is there to stay and there is going to be no amelioration ever that literally kills him. God save people from such situations!!!!

Who will cry when I die :)

Was just browsing through the Net that I came across this book; must say pretty interesting title. Now when I was sitting in my house generally getting ready to sleep, this topic came to my mind: What if I die now; what if this is my last night; what if my life were to end in my sleep tonight; who would in all certainties cry for me; cry not because that’s the best thing to do; cry not because it would look un-cool to remain stoic and happy; cry because they would really miss me, at least for some time in their respective lives. Just taking this thought further, I start counting and what amazes me is that beyond my family, I can’t even think of more than 5 names who would I am sure genuinely miss me in their lives, for some time though; of course I am not counting the many condolence messages, “oops I am so sorry, what an young age to die etc” shit that will come pouring in. This makes me think, what an irony; in all these years just 5 damn names. What the hell have I done in my life? What have I achieved? Think about it; Kurt Cobain was already dead at my age; and what the hell have I done? When I am thinking about all this, I am also realizing that our lives actually are damn futile; we wake up, slog out, come back, rest our asses on the couch, watch something stupid on TV and hit the bed again; add a gathering here and there and that’s life. Seriously if I think about it, we all, IIM graduates, supposedly among the brightest of the lot lead such a dull and meaningless life; a life full of material pursuits and literally nothing less; having left no damn mark or our footprints on this world. I also want to state that I don’t want to say that all these material stuff and all is not important but tonight (at 3AM) when I am writing all this, I cant help but think that we live such an ordinary life; how else would u describe a life being remembered dil se with only five people. Only five damn people.

The value of nothingness....

I am on a break...not a sabbatical but just a week long break and one question i keep getting by everyone is so, where r u going, why not take a vacation, why not go home, etc etc. I too initially wanted to indulge in all of these but then i refrained myself and i just stayed at my apartment, not doing anything and from my experience in the last two days, all i can say is nothingness has its own value. In the normal course life is very hectic. Getting up and just running here and there just makes you completely drained by the end of the week and no sonner you realise that, you are already hitting Sunday evening and the race begins again and in the background of all these, this break seems amazing. Last two days, frankly I have done nothing. I wake up leasurely, make my tea, aaram se read the newspaper, prepare my breakfast, ask the maid to make a nice lunch, relax again, watch tv, read a book, go for a brisk walk and just laze around. Thankfully, my house comp is also not working and hence that ensures i dont spend all my time sticking my neck on the screen. Life is very slow and the lack of pace really lets me unwind. I could have gone somewhere but there is value in being with just yourself, all alone for the whole day, no one around and you being able to just gaze into the thin air for sometime more, roll here and then on the couch for sometime extra and stretch ur legs a bit more....there is value in all of these; there is immense pleasure in sleeping without thinking about the meetings the following day; there is immense pleasure in waking up, gazing at the watch and not saying, damn i am getting late...better still, there is immense pleasure in waking up and not feeling the need to gaze at the watch at all.... No wonder the elders talked so much about stopping to smell the roses...Nothingness has its own virtue.....

Colleagues and Friends...

I remember once way back in 1999 when I was in Bangalore and a colleague’s uncle had introduced me to some other people, “Meet Sandeep; he is a colleague of Ramesh.” That day I felt very bad. How could he use the cold word colleague when I actually thought we were good friends? A lot of water has passed under the bridge in the last (almost) decade and I have changed a lot. Today I don’t mind using the word colleague or even a colder one-acquaintance if I find that suitable. Anyways, let us come to the main topic. Is it a good idea to make friends in office or not? I of late have started feeling that it’s not such a great idea to have close friends in office. I feel very strange saying so because both my very good friends are the ones whom I had met during internship; so office has given me my so to say emotional anchors. But those were the days when there was hardly any competition among us, much less back stabbing and politics but today the scenario is very different. Everyone seems to have an agenda, right from licking someone to proving one’s superiority/smartness to passing the buck; there is no dearth of reason why someone out there is always ready to take you for a ride. However it is not easy to remain cold and extremely formal in office. Come on, you spend anything upward of 50-60 hours in office every week. You better enjoy the company over there. Consulting is every worse. You literally spend complete weeks with them when you are out on client assignments hence colleagues are more like friends; you work, you have fun, you share and you even sit by each other and care like a close pal (Senior, if you are reading this, you know what I am referring to) and hence it’s very important to send the right vibes and be friends with your colleagues. However things are not that rosy always. Fact remains that at the end of the day, everyone is here for a purpose and hence there are clashes and conflicts. Worse still, if people are by nature nasty they will hurt you even there doesn’t exist any reason for the same. There’s deceit, there’s camouflage, there’s double standardism, and there is every possible vice that exists in the world present in offices. Balancing all of these calls for a lot of maturity. On one hand you can either be either someone absolutely cold and aloof and on the other you could end up baring your ass for anyone to screw. It’s a tough call. At the end of the day, I still don’t know what is the right path? All I can say is that caution is the key; be friendly but not overtly and don’t spill all your beans to everyone. Be sure they are genuine and never forget that friends also have friends. For the rest, there is nothing which bars from having a good time together, talking some general or work related stuff, being friendly but still having zero expectations and not saying/doing anything that might tomorrow put you in a tight spot.

Between boys and girls...

Mast life hoti hai...Last night i was talking to a friend of mine and we were planning to take a vacation together. However, neither of us felt comfortable with just the two of us going, cause it would look like a date which obviously it wasnt and now the search begins for a third person, failing which all our plans would go for a toss.. Kya sad case hai; had it been a guy and such a close pal, this situation would never have come...but since its the opposite gender in question, sochna padta hai... In this case it was very frank, mature talk but if you are not a part of a larger group and get along very well, at times it becomes an issue, what will she think, would she read too much into my behaviour etc etc...The situation gets largely ameliorated if atleast one of the persons in question is committed to someone else or if there is a larger group between the two but if neither of this exist, potential for a problem does exist , something very close to... self-fulfilling prophecies For me i can tell that some of my good friends are from the opposite gender and it feels sad when despite things being so platonic, at times u have to make changes eg: chances of ditching this vacation plan just because of our stupid thoughts or our concern of what others would be thinking.... I personally believe that any external party can never tell what type of relationship exists between a guy and a girl. They might be spending hell lot of time together, might be seen together everywhere but that doesnt mean they are having a scene or something and equally possible, they might rarely be together but there could a lot happening...There is this clear line of demarcation, which manifests itself in the basic air which engulfs when u meet which tells the difference and this line is absolutely invisible to another person....Only the people concerned can tell. Proximity, friendship, affection, regard, care....none of them tantamounts to Cupid striking...Its a different ball game all together...

Letting u down...

Life is full of expectations. There are a lot of things parents expect from their children, there are a lot of things our friends expects out of us and at large, there are societal and other expectations but what we cannot help is not meetings those expectations and letting down others. I remember as a kid when at times I used to be really naughty, I would be shit scared of what Mom will tell, “How can u do this” and this emphasis of YOU on what was made me feel bad more and more. A lot has happened since those days of childish fun but even today letting down anyone is as painful as ever. It hurts to see people your own feel sad because of the things u do. I remember going to visit a friend in the hospital who had a bad drunken driving accident. That look on his mom’s face could tell a lot. She didn’t know whether to sympathize with her child or be angry with him. He had simply let her down. Another case I can distinctly remember is a friend who was asked to repeat a year because he was caught cheating. I remember the look on his Dad’s face..it said a lot. I am in no way defending these acts of these people but let us step back and analyze it a bit. Do we always look at the fallouts of our actions when we indulge in things which we ideally should not. Think about it; how many of us actually think before having a drink that we will have to drive back; how many of us actually think before putting that piece of red meat in our mouth that its extremely high on cholesterol; how many of us really bother. When we do what we shouldn’t, we are simply being cool and when we have to face the consequences, we had simply been idiots (as per the same set of people who had called us cool) This brings us to another point- Why do we do what we are not supposed to do? A lot of it depends on the circle we move in, our will-power, our tastes, preferences etc. Let us look into one aspect-will-power. Will-power or the lack of it essentially is nothing but a reflection of the strength of our character which again is based on so many other things. For those who would have seen “Gandhi, My Father” it’s a classic case of a person’s lack of strength. It is easy to say that he let down his father and that he had absolutely no strength of character but has anyone thought, what made him do that? That brings to us to the classic case of cause Vs symptom. His lack of strength was a symptom which was drawn because of the frustration in his early years due to lack of love, lack of opportunities or simply, lack of emotional anchoring. Emotional detachment and aloofness can be disastrous and if your thoughts are always engulfed by these, nothing in the world can make you successful or happy. Returning to the main topic, letting someone down; how do we cope with the situation when we have let down someone? I mean in an ideal scenario, we shouldn’t do anything that would call for a situation like this but when we have done it there is no way we can undo the harm, what should we do. In my opinion the best way is to face it upfront. Many a times postponing a problem only aggravates it. It requires immense guts to stand up and say something unpleasant but a fact in front of someone you love but think of it, cheating and deceit are worse pains to conflict on your loved ones than facing the unpleasant truth. Further, if you are hiding something, chances are very high that you are distancing yourself from your loved ones as well. However its not that easy; if you require guts to speak, the other person also requires guts to listen and that presence of maturity across both the parties might simply not be present. What do you do in that….Well, I wish I knew!!!!

Ten Videos I love....

Return to Innocence (Enigma)- I guess this was the first video which started this trend of showing everything in a rewind mode and this video is really good; almost perfect for watching when you are waiting for that stressful meeting to start and want to soothe a bit. Du Hast (Ramstein)- I cant make a word of what it says (the song is German) but the video is simply amazing, the gangster, his babe, the deceit, the beats, the look on the face of his babe waiting for him, and literally crying after seeing the flames, etc etc…the song is worth a watch especially when you are having a party at home… Iris-(OST-City of Angels)- there is something about the lyrics, something about the overall ambiance, the gazing through the telescope, the grayish black and white setting, the video is worth watching anytime and not to forget the presence of Meg Ryan in it. Time of my life (OST-Dirty Dancing) Fun, joy, love, revelry, this song seems to me the inspiration for so many of our songs and videos. The stage performance, the jump in the crowd, the whole suede crowd turning into dancing, this video has that real feel good factor associated with it and its always fun watching it. Feel-(Robbie Williams)- this video has that awesome quality of being completely laid back and its monochrome look only adds to the beauty. And the way Daryll Hannah looks in the video; stunning with her temptress looks; much better than she did in her heydays (remember: Wall Street) Wicked Game (Chris Isaac)- How could I forget this song. Voted as the sexiest video ever, this pure black and white beachside video has this topless lady running on the beach and the groovy voice of Chris Isaac following her; pretty explicitly this video is but I wont say its cheap or vulgar; its beautiful and its sensual. November Rain-(Guns n Roses)- well, the fact that this was voted as one of the best videos ever speaks volumes. The scene outside the church courtyard where Slash performs solo, his walk down the aisle, the video is almost like a whole story in motion and also not to forget the characterization in the video which is supposedly inspired from their real life love. Everybody Hurts (REM)- A stunning piece of art I would say is this video; people struck in a traffic jam and thinking all about sadness, deceit, pain etc etc…different people, different scenarios, different languages, (with subtitles) but all thinking of pain…this video is a must watch. Turn the Page (Metallica)- Pure anguish, pure pain, disgust and rebellion; that’s what I feel about this video. The way the song talks of the life of a rock star and the video talks of the life of a prostitute cum stripper, its absolutely heartfelt. You should see that shot in which the prostitute is beaten up by her customer and her daughter is staring at her from the door, plus her monologue in the middle of the song..this song and more so its video is something; of course if you can look beyond the strip scenes and the nudity. PULSE (Pink Floyd)- Nothing absolutely nothing compares to this compilation of pure psychedelic rock, David Gilmour and the background visuals. I don’t think music can ever produce something like this again. What is really amazing about this is that just play it on and you can spend a whole lazy weekend afternoon watching this.

If I would ever see you again...

Life is full of encounters. You meet a hell lot of people, you interact with some, you like a few and you love even fewer people. But irrespective of the strata they occupy in the hierarchy of your regard/heart, fact remains that they have to end. Some of these encounters/relationships end in so to say a physical state of being (when someone passes away, let’s say) and some end at an emotional plane. Both of them are very painful, the first is needless to say pure pain and the second is pain plus complexities plus heartburns plus what not. Neways, coming back to the title of the blog (the famous song, I think of Lenny Kravitz), how does it feel to have that final encounter, either because of that physical or the emotional factors which would completely change the status-quo of things. Either the person won’t be there or the feeling won’t be there anymore. Till date there are two final encounters that I will possibly never ever forget. The first was with my Dad when one small absolutely insignificant mistake on my part ballooned into a major issue and he was mighty upset with it (not with my mistake but the shape it had taken). He was very upset and at the end of the day, though he wasn’t upset with me I was upset too that I was the trigger of it. I was leaving for my post MBA job that day and ironically that day was the last when me and Dad met in person. He was supposed to come to Bombay after that which he never did and I was supposed to go home for a vacation by which time he had left for his heavenly abode. (6 months after that incident) Even today when I think of it, I just cannot help kicking myself. If only I hadn’t taken things so casually and things didn’t take the shape they did. If only our final hug wasn’t shrouded with that gloom and pain. Then there is a second final encounter which was on an emotional plane. I don’t mean to say that the scale of loss was as much as the first one but it’s just that it too meant a lot to me. I just had to let go of what could have been something wonderful, no option. I gathered all my guts and prayed that things don’t change but there was no escaping destiny. That’s about it. Go, went, gone… This brings me to another point. Is it better that you know it’s the last encounter or to put it in another way; is it better to be aware of the fact that shortly things are to change. The answer like most cases is a yes and a no. Being aware helps you prepare in a better way. You know it’s the last, so lets make it special. If someone is dying, why not recite his favorite poems, devotional music etc, why not do all those religious things that are to be done. If its at an emotional plane, why not do all those things for one last time, just one more time before it all ends. However in a most of cases, it’s a No as well. For example, in the first case of death, knowing most of the times signify death brought about by illness which I must tell is an extremely saddening experience for everyone. There is little more killing than seeing your loved ones succumb to something and you being a useless piece of shit, unable to do anything. As for emotional separation, well how does it feel to see a relationship die down and you wanting to do something about it but failing in all your endeavors. The encounter in this case is never a last, it’s always a step towards the last and when the last finally arrives, well it hardly has any significance. All the things are already lost.

Face it and move on....

In life, small things and large, there are times when we need to take a tough decision. None of us want to get into that situation but fact is, we are at times forced into a situation like that and there is no way we can ignore it. Often we are tempted into just avoiding or overlooking it but then it hangs around us like an albatross haunting us everywhere and just not letting go. I guess I was also like that earlier but I will never ever forget the stroll with Dad, late one night in the streets of Ballygunge, way back in 1999, where he told me, "Look Son, its very easy to avoid problems and run, but fact is how long will you run. Its always better to gather guts, face it and move on. If not anything else, atleast you have a sigh of relief" There was a particular context in which it was said and thats one thing I have kind of tried to follow and trust me, it feels much better when following this policy. Obviously taking such decisions give a very tough time but then having a tough short span of time is much better than letting things linger on and pain u slowly and slowly for a seemingly eternal period. Another point which warrants mention here is facing something in the above mentioned context is also related to the timeless discussion between the easy wrong path and the tough right path. I have been faced with such a decision only once and thankfully i chose the right one. Though the scars left were deep and sad, the conscience was clear and I didnt have a guilt feel in me. Its easier said than done, lot of us think that taking tough calls requires balls. However I personally feel that thats not always the case. Many a times, u take the tough right decision because you are scared to face the consequences of the wrong decision which will inadvertently happen in the long run. Or maybe even if u escape that, there is a linering fear of God watching u...and that makes u shit in ur pants and something deep tells...Dude, dont....

Lady Luck...

I remember once Mohit (my boss in Seagram for whom I had immense regard) told me, “Sandeep, remember, all you need to succeed in life is good stuff between your two ears”. For a moment, I couldn’t really understand what he meant (I wasn’t an MBA then and hence my ability to infer such could be simple but made complicated statements was pretty low…now, I relish such literature) and he could sense that. He went ahead to elaborate, ”Look, what I mean is you need luck which is personified by the forehead and brains to make it in life and while the importance of either cannot be undermined, if I were to prioritize I would be rank luck a notch ahead”. I agreed with him then as well but today I agree with him like never before. In the last couple of years, I have seen such absolutely nondescript people being in such good positions and at the same time I have seen some really good people being in such unworthy of places. I mean there is hardly any symmetry between what you deserve and what you get. While Mohit was talking about luck from a professional point of view, I don’t think the importance of luck is any less in personal affairs as well. Look at some people; they are so damn lucky. I know some friends of mine who have everything and more a person at their age could think of and then I see some more who have nothing at all. No career, no money, no love, no companionship, no present, no future. Everything exists. This thought further brings me to another point. Is it really necessary that everyone needs to have an equitable portion of luck on their side. I mean why is it necessary that luck should account for a standard X or a Y% of every person’s success? Is life really meant to be fair? I don’t think so. Fairness and equality simply doesn’t exist in life in a broader sense and it is foolish to expect it to be so. I don’t mean to undermine the importance of capability and toil but at the end of the day, all of us must be mentally prepared for a larger force deciding our fates and you might be either the blue eyed boy or a step son of that larger force and that creates all the difference. I mean life can be really unfair. I know of people who have suffered all their lives, struggled all their lives to accomplish certain things and no sooner they accomplished all of those, life just snatched all of it away in one stroke. I have actually being witness to people cry at the way fate has played with them. But hardly have I come across people who accept that they are successful because of fate. It’s really strange; if you were to take people at their face value, every successful person is successful because of his capability and every failed person is a failure because of luck. Some immodesty!!!Taking the thought a bit further, is there a limit to which luck could be bad. I mean there is only so much that a person can be fucked. Apparently everything has to even out and reach a steady state at some point or the other. As far as luck or rather the opposite of it is concerned, I doubt that it is so. I have seen people and really capable people facing defeats over and over again. I doubt if luck or more precisely bad luck plateaus out. In my opinion, what happens however is that these set of people get so used to being fucked that it stops affecting them any more…they simply become immune to pain in a way. Remember the Floyd number ..Comfortably Numb.

Pics on the road, en route to Client site...

In the company of married friends...

Saturday night was very interesting. We were 9 of us at Soda’s place, the composition being 3 couples and 3 of us singles. Now counting Vidhi out made us 3 couples and 2 singles and what was remarkable about the evening was the stark difference between the married and the lukhas. Take some lukhas and what you see is cards, beer and some totally bizarre talk. Now u take some married people and what u get is a conversation on how the quality of water supply is bad or what artifact would best suit the design of their sitting area. Can you beat it, yesterday we were playing games like Taboo!!!! I mean yesterday so clearly brought out the way men get tamed after marriage. Ankur so smartly brought out Johnnie Walker, Grey Goose and followed it up with the always there Baileys. He knew, in front of controlling eyes, everyone will have very little. Would he ever do something like that with only men around? Forget that, we even reached the sophistication of having whiskey in cut glasses and Baileys in a goblet. WoW!!!! But the class in drinking was best beaten by the overall ambiance in the place. Imagine yaar, being overwhelmed by the married folks, we were left to discussing things like which sofa cum bed is best suited for small Bombay houses, how water is a perennial issue and the best was how it is really painful to go out shopping cause the respective wives don’t approve of home delivered supposedly stale vegetables. Going for vegetables shopping; God!!!! But it’s really enjoyable to be with married people once in a while. Unlike your married counterparts, you don’t have to be afraid of closets being opened. I mean what the heck, common speak whatever u want to; nobody is going to take my ass once I reach home. But with married people, they were like in a constant state of vigil and scare; you simply don’t know you will be held up for what and the best part is when their wives so sweetly scare their lesser halfs…Ghar chalo, phir batate hain…!!!!

Failure...

In the end, its all a binary result..."a pass or a fail"..I remember that old Chivas Regal ad..."You either have it or you dont". There is nothing called I almost had it and hence there is actually no difference between I almost had it and I never had it..In the end, what matters is do you have it or not, it matters a shit how close or far you came to came to having it. I remember my CA results, where i got a 41 in one of the papers....there is hardly any difference between a 39 and a 41...but i made it and passed...If i had got a 39, I would have failed...Period Failed, doesnt matter how far or how close...and this is just academics...its much worse in life, i think because unlike that CA exam where there was a chance to reappear (thank God, i didnt have to do it), life hardly gives you another chance...You can come very close and yet not have it or you might be very far, take a jump and land up in the lap of success...it matters a shit. What matters is where you have landed, whether you have lapped up victory or not...thats it. I also remember that dialogue....You cannot be somewhat pregnant...You are either pregnant or not...there is nothing called somewhat pregnant...You also cannot be somewhat successful... This brings us to another aspect for which very frankly, I dont have too much of a regard..that of the relative importance of journey and the destination...You will read a lot about how journey is so damn important etc etc but think of it, if you have held hands, if you have shared virtually shared everything, if you had built dreams together with someone, but couldnt complete the walk to the aisle, does it matter that you had done all of these. Frankly, you would have been better not doing any of the above..atleast there wouldnt be all the turmoil thinking of that stupid thought life gives...(what amit calls Hindsight Capital).."so near yet so far....if i had done so and so...etc etc"..It doesnt yield a shit... While I am writing all of these, there is another thought thats coming in my mind....All these is fine, rationally we also know that life for most parts is a binary result...but can we really stop ourselves from all these consoling thoughts...."atleast i did blah blah...atleast i tried...etc etc". Time and again, when such rationale thoughts come to my mind, I always, without fail, get reminded of that awesome line from Gary Barlow's song Forever Love...."How can i reason with the reason that I am a man"....

Bombay Rains: A Swot Analysis

Strengths · Provides the perfect setting to listen to awesome songs: o Sad-“Crying in the Rain” o Melancholy-“Lagi Aaj saawan ki” o Lukha-“Mujhe barsaat mai pi lene do” · The reason to finish that last few remaining pegs in the bottle of a Bourbon/Single Malt. · Perfect time to enjoy home made samosas/bhajias with garam chai. · What better excuse than rains to cuddle with your loved ones (lucky few) · Khandala/Lonavala…. Weaknesses · Screws up your life big time if you get stuck in office. · Screws up even more if you get stuck in traffic with rains pouring · Even worse: u waiting for a cab/auto and vehicles generously splashing all the dirty water on u. · More: you wearing a suit and going to a party/meeting · Water logging and all the associated pain Opportunities · You in a car/with an umbrella, being able to hide your starved of (u know what) countenance and a girl asking for lift. · Wake up late, feel grumpy (aaj office bunk marte hain) and call office,” Boss, the streets are a la River Brahmaputra…I am really missing work but nature prevents me from coming”. Threats · Diseases-dengue/malaria…. · Confinement to your house and not having anything to do (forget a babe to cuddle up with) · You being in office and your junior using the opportunity mentioned herein with you getting screwed in the process.

Life & Statistics

Amit always talks of this book called "Fooled by Randomness"...I havent read it as such but I am made to understand that it talks about how statistics/probability etc screwed someone in the capital market. Lets broaden our horizon and talk of a much more generic aspect...i.e. Life...I often take the Goa highway and the road, though beautiful is pretty dangerous. What with just two lanes, a hilly terrain and all the drivers trying to act a-la Lewis Hamilton....And why I bring this topc now is that quite often I tell my driver to slow down a bit and he always replies saying, "Sir, hum yahan 10 saal se chala raha hai, kuch nahin hoga". Thats precisely my point. Even if you have driven accident free for 10 years, it does not guarantee that there would be no accidents. Even though the probability (based on empircal results) is very little, it would have no meaning when an accident were to happen. You just cant go on being reckless because of low probability. Let me take another example..One of my cousins is a doc and she once told me, "The concept of probability hardly exists for us. Imagine a doc in an OT...there is only one result...Success or Failure and at times failures are irreverisible. When he enters the OT, thats his goal. I doubt how many of them think of probability and all" So true...

Ten instances showing my life @hell

1. Twice in the last couple of weeks, I have forgotten the lane to my house and compare this with the fact that I can guide the driver blindfolded about the route from the apartment to the client factory which is a cool 100 kms away.
2. Every working day when I am not the client’s place I carry my bag full of a week’s clothes and provision; never know when actually I might have to hit the road and the hotel room.
3. I don’t need the hotel menu card or the list of extension numbers to place my breakfast order.
4. When I reach the hotel, the waiter usually tells me, “Sir, regular wala room main bhej doon” ( a pint beer, 2 boiled eggs and green salad)
5. A client from the corporate office accompanied me to my current client location and the canteen boy wrote in the slip, ”Sandeep + 1”
6. My cell phone bill shows one page of normal outgoing vs 5 pages of roaming
7. The hotel laundry boy never bothers (nor do I) if my clothes don’t come on time on a Friday, “Koi baat nahin sir, next week le lijiyega”
8. I miss out on life so much that on Friday nights even when I reach Bandra around 10-11pm after a 3 hour drive, I am game to go to F-17.
9. Couple of times I woke up in the middle of the night apparently reading a mail from the client in the sleep with the subject line “Project Progress Update”
10. And this one takes the top prize: One Friday night (at my apartment) I woke up from my sleep wondering how come the hotel room appears so different.

Top 10 reasons why ur drink doesnt taste so good nowadys!!!

Parameter	Then- (MBA Days)	Now- (Bby Days)
Drink	Fosters/Kingfisher	Fosters/Kingfisher
Tastes Like	Heineken/Corona	Foster/Kingfisher…what else??
In the company of	Friends, starts from 2-3, goes up-to 10-15	Occasionally friends (starts with 3-4, ends with 1-2), acquaintances, clients, and colleagues (yawn….)
Presence of Females (with you, duffer)	Non Existent	Non Existent and more so eying hot females around makes u feel all the more shitty.
Location	Open air (outside mess/terrace) beneath starry skies	Cramped pubs/apartments
Frequency of drinking	Mathematically, frequency cannot exist in a continuous function	Strictly weekends or if the client is not a pain in the wrong place, occasionally on weekdays
Topic of discussion	Outlandish bizarre conversation	Crib (boss, bonus, colleagues, job, etc etc) OR ELSE Aur batao..kya chal raha hai?
Typical response to “Chal, ek ek marte hain”	Any time boss	Sorry yaar: Biwi ghar pe hai Bahut Kaam hai Kal office jaldi jaana hai Enthu nahin hai Itni dur…kaun aayega
Fear of Hangover/Getting up next day on time	R u kidding??.Refer the point above	Always
Reason for drinking	Reason..huh!!!!	Stress (Weekdays)/Relief (Weekend)

Stress

“Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans”

This was said by some legendary singer, I think Lennon. And that precisely is life. You make a hell lot of plans, you have stars in your eyes, you dream and then you wake up to find your dreams shattered. In a way dreams are a great thing; they transcend all boundaries of reality and limitations and take you to situations you would want to be in. But dreams are meant to be shattered and with these shattering come stress. Stress can be really painful. Most of us hide it beneath the façade of normalcy but when things get out of hand, it does manifest itself in insomnia, drug/alcohol abuse, inability to handle relationships and at extreme stages, depression.

I think mild depression which is a very pertinent effect of stress exists for a lot of us. How many of us can really boost of a good night long sleep. How many of us can boost of not sinking in the couch/bed immediately after returning from a day at work. How many of us can boost of not wanting a drink to ease us off after a typical day at work. How many of us can boost of being calm and serene inside. How many!!!

Stress need not come from such big issues only. Even in our everyday life, there are so many things that happen to us, that make us really stressed out. For instance, phone lines coming busy, traffic jams, internet not connecting, some mistakes in some presentations before a meeting, car getting delayed etc. It happens, small inconsequential things but they create a lot of stress.

For most of us, however the most important drivers of stress is work- nasty boss, pain in the ass client, non co-operative admin people, office politics, salary, bonuses, incompetent people, tough questions etc, all these bring in real tension at work. And given that most of us spend anything around 60 hours at work; these can really take a toll on you. The problem gets compounded for most of us when we equate our life with our careers, with absolutely no regard to our overall well being and joi-de-vivre. I remember once a doctor told me ,”Remember son, it is very important to switch on and off”. I mean that’s so true but we never realize it and by the time we do, in most of the cases, the harm is already done.

The above stated causes of stress are important but what takes the podium is the stress due to personal problems-seeing your close one wait for death or struggle with deadly diseases, broken relationships, lack of companionship or even worse bad relationships, helplessness etc. These are really sad situations to be in. Among these as well, I think one point that deserves special mention is helplessness, cause it’s so omnipresent in most other cases. I have seen a friend, see his father gradually move into the jaws of death and there was nothing he could do about it; that is helplessness. I have seen myself, desperately try to save a relationship for quite some time but the vibes weren’t just there, there was little I could do. That is helplessness. I don’t think there are many situations worse than that of being helpless. There is a lot you want to do and there is a shit you can do. God save that case. And it happens. Remember the lines from Eric Clapton’s Tears in Heaven….Time can bring you down, time can bend you knees, time can bend your heart, have you begging please…begging please…

Should there be a reason....

Of late I have had some very interesting discussions with some equally interesting people and one of the most intriguing one I have had is with this colleague of mine regarding the omnipresence or lack of it of reason and rationale. A lot of us try to find reason into things and when we cannot possibly reason it out, we label it as the Acts of God. Ages ago when people could not understand eclipses, they conveniently put it on Rahu and Ketu but do we hear such things today; possibly not and the reason being that it has now being scientifically explained. Anyways, lets not get into a tangent…. Lets talk about our state of being. Some of us are so happy and some of us are so fucked up. Life is so unfair for some of us, whatever we do, we lose. A candy comes from somewhere, it is even unwrapped and presented to you on a nice platter, and the moment u stick your tongue out, being the TD (total dick- a term commonly used in consulting) you are, you end up messing it up and tumbling the candy down-gone, vanished. And then you think why the damn should I be so fucked up. When you cannot find a reason for the same, you get into the theory of reincarnation and start explaining it from your previous birth’s wrongdoings or God’s way of testing you so that tomorrow life could be better and that tomorrow could well extend across births. But think about it, what if there was no reason for there being a reason. Things are as they are. Period. There is no Why to it. I mean things would have been so much simpler. A is fucked and B is happy and that’s their steady state of being. Simple. There is no reason for the same. Accept it. This would make life so simple and take away so many hurtful prayers…Why do someone speed up once and gets crashed in an accident, why do someone die just like that, why do someone fuck up and then cannot believe he fucked up. None of these would exist if we start believing that there is no need for everything to be explained or reasoned out. Lets look into one more last example (feeling damn sleepy…its 4AM). Nature. Why has nature always been two steps ahead of mankind? Nature slaps mankind with diseases and man conquers that and with that comes the feeling of supremacy. But hold on, its not over yet. Suddenly you find there is something else which has surfaced and is a pain. Man has cured so many deadly diseases: Plague, malaria, pox, measles, cancer, TB but think about it, it’s so interesting to know each new disease came when man had conquered the previous one. Currently there is a lot of talk about developed stages of cancer and AIDS. And I am of the firm believer that within a few years of it becoming curable, there would be some new disease. Nature is always ahead. Why is that so?? You wonder. But think about it if you start believing that either there is no reason for nature being two steps ahead or even better, nature was always like that but earlier science wasn’t advanced to detect these diseases, our grey cells would be so much at peace. Now, I think that it’s not really that easy. It is very convenient to accept the facts without trying to reason it out, either through science or God. However, there is a catch. A lot of the reasons we are not able to find, we place it on God and think about it, the moment these questions are gone, our faith and believes will also reduce considerably. And remember that line from Enigma…If you believe in God, its because of the Devil….just think about it, how much of this prevents us from misdeeds. Where would society and we go without the element of fear of God, of Him watching us.